i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
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