Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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