the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
