New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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