Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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