I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We got so high we made milksteak
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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