I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
