i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
