He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
