I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
