stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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