Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize