dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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