he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
