If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
