Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
