your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
