Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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