well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Randomize
