Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
