I wish I could teleport
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
