at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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