she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
