fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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