I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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