im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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