Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
