this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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