i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
two words: eviction party
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
