did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You took a bar mat shot.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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