3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
