wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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