if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
