Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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