I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
