If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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