She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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