He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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