just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
