My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Oh god it's open bar.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
