You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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