Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
