I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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