did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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