I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
