i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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