I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
