i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
