Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I think I died a long time ago.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
