I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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