I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
