I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
