Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
