Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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