I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Drake has all the answers
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
