the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
