Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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